Dealing With Difficult Behavior

Learn how to deal with ANY type of diffult behavior…as well as 6 specific types of bad behavior you are likely to encounter.

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Dealing With Bullies

Dealing with a Bully at work can often take us by surprise.  Join Jed and Bob as they discuss the four steps you need to take when dealing with a Bully in the workplace.

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Dealing With Bullies at Work

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Bullies at Work are common occurrence that can be easily handles with a few simple techniques.  Below we discuss:

  • Defining Bullies at Work
  • Is your Bully “Fire” or “Ice”?
  • How to Deal with Bullies at Work

Defining Bullies at Work

Bullying is more than just not getting along with another person.  A Bully is:

  • Someone who wants to win at any cost.
  • Aggressive and hostile.
  • Motivated by power, control or fear.
  • A repeated pattern of inappropriate behavior.
  • Verbal or physical action that is intended to isolate or mentally hurt another person.
  • Action taken to intentionally degrade, offend or humiliate another person.

Bullying is NOT:

  • Someone who disagrees with you.
  • Someone who is trying to hold you accountable.

Defining Bullies at Work: Fire or Ice?

People will recognize Bullies at Work when it is most obvious, but there is more than one type of Bully:

Fire

  • Will explode when s/he is threatened.
  • Tantrums, threats, shouting, anger and intimidation
  • Highly emotional and uncomfortable for others.

Ice

  • Far less emotional or confrontational than the fire.
  • Sarcastic comments, sabotaging a meeting or interaction, belittling of others
  • Deliver their abuse with a smile

How to Deal with Bullies at Work

Step 1. Determine if it is bullying

It is important to delineate Bullying from other forms of confrontation or negative human interactions that may occur in the workplace.  Sometimes people claim to have been bullied by their boss, when their boss is merely holding them accountable.  When determining if bullying has occurred consider the following:

  • Often not what is said, but rather how it is said.  If specific words or phrases are chosen to belittle or intimidate, it is likely the work of Bullies at Work
  • Make sure it is not harassment or violence in the workplace.  If there is inappropriate physical contact, it has gone beyond bullying, and you must involve someone else.  The exact definitions will vary by jurisdiction, but it is worth knowing the definition of harassment or violence in the workplace in your jurisdiction.
  • If it includes threats, physical breach of space, or inappropriate language, do not attempt to solve the problem, but terminate the meeting immediately.

Step 2. Suppress Your Emotions

Strong emotions can compromise your ability to adequately react to Bullies at Work.  You must do your best to suppress your emotions and (re)act as rationally as possible.

  • The bully wants you to react – often Bullies at Work take pleasure in watching other squirm.
  • Detach yourself – don’t take it personally.  In many cases, Bullies at Work are not going after you individually, but rather the person in your position.
  • Be self-aware of the impact the situation is having on you.  Know when you are becoming angry or otherwise emotionally compromised, and how that might impact your response to the situation.

Step 3. Redirect

Bullies at Work want you to absorb the negative energy they are projecting.  The best thing you can do is redirect that energy:

  • Take out of a public space, if necessary.
  • Acknowledge their point(s) without ceding ground.  To acquiesce to the demands of Bullies at Work is to invite more of their poor behavior.
  • Restate their position in neutral language so you can indicate that you have understood their point.
  • Ask clarifying and confirming questions.
  • Ask them for a solution.  Bullies at Work often have no interest in solutions, because they would rather bully and intimidate.  An easy way to disarm them is to ask them for their ideas towards a solution.

Step 4. Adjourn if Necessary

Sometimes it is a completely legitimate course of action to adjourn your meeting with Bullies at Work.  Of course, if you do not follow up afterwards, you will be seen as avoiding or yielding to the bully which will invite more of the same behavior.  Reasons to adjourn:

  • If you are emotionally compromised
  • If you have any fear for your safety
  • To take time to gather information or facts
  • To allow all parties to cool off.

3 Things to Remember About dealing with Bullies at Work

  1. The Bully may just enjoy being a Bully, and any attempt to solve a problem will be met with more hostility.
  2. You need to take a stand or the Bullying behavior will continue.
  3. Being Bullied is not the same as just not getting along with others.

Watch the ‘3-Minute Crash Course’ about Bullies at Work (CLICK THE ARROW TO START THE VIDEO):

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Bullied at Work? Hug It Out!

Bullies don’t disappear when they become adults.  They just move to a new playground.

You’d think in an era as political correct and risk sensitive as ours, that bullying in the workplace would be a more distant memory than a stadium full of screaming fans for Huey Lewis and the News.  However, it still exists for a variety of reasons – not the least of which is that bullying tactics often work.  Ask anyone who has ever worked in retail, and they’ll tell you that the people that most often get what they want are those that are the rudest and the nastiest.

There is only one way to deal a bully, and it requires taking him or her out at the knees before they get entirely worked up and out of control.  When confronted by a bully it is good to have some ready-to-go responses that will make the bully more confused than your dog when you pretend to throw the ball, but hide it behind your back.

Here are some suggestions:

  1. “Have you had your rabies shot, because that foam coming out of your mouth is bad sign.”
  2. “If I was as (short/fat/bald/ugly) as you, I’d probably be angry too”
  3. “Does someone need a hug?  Come on over here, you big lug.”
  4.  “And that’s what happens when we don’t get our meds adjusted right.”
  5. “My best suggestion would be that you move to a jurisdiction where marijuana is legal, and you keep a 3-finger baggy available for times like this.”
  6. “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!” (clap, clap)
  7.  “Mama always said, ‘Stupid is as stupid does’”
  8. “Let’s use our words in a way that people will want to listen to us.”
  9. “The anger-management class is two floors down, and doesn’t start for another hour.”
  10. “I’m telling my mom”

In the best case scenario, such a comment should shut the bully down.  But even in the worst case scenario, it will put them off guard long enough for you to call security.

We’re joking here, of course.  A bully in the workplace is a serious issue that causes havoc and stress for everyone involved.  However, a skilled manager can successfully gain the upper hand and take control of the situation.

The Dealing With Bullies at Work Video and Cheat Sheet combo was just added to the Wily Manager membership area, and it’s one of over 90 topics available now.  

In it, we explain how to deal with the two radically different types of bullies you’ll encounter on the job.  Armed with this insight, you’ll be able to shut down a bully’s attack and restore peace at work.

Become a member and get 8 free bonus gifts worth $187, plus instant access to all the existing tools and advice already available in the members-only area.   It’s jam-packed with Videos, Cheat Sheets, and other tools…and new content is added each and every week.

Next week we’ll be talking about Career Transitions, and you’ll get the advice you need to ensure you don’t compromise your success by fumbling through critical career changes.  You won’t want to miss out – become a Wily Manager Member today. 

The Triangle of Satisfaction: Negotiation Tactics That Lead to Lasting Agreements

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Many people don’t have Negotiation Tactics, but rather improvise their way through negotiations of any sort.  Below we talk about the following aspects of Negotiation Tactics.

  • The Wily Manager Model of Negotiation Tactics
  • Why You Should use Negotiation Tactics
  • How You Should use Negotiation Tactics

The Wily Manager Model of Negotiation Tactics

When involved negotiations, mediation, or conflict resolution, people have three interdependent needs that must be carefully considered in order to achieve agreements and decisions that will last:

  • Substantive Needs:
    • the material things and issues people are negotiating about.
  • Emotional Needs:
    • personal and emotional aspects people bring to the negotiating table.
    • how people feel about what is being negotiated for.
    •  how people feel about themselves during and after the negotiations
  • Procedural Needs:
    • the opportunity to have a “fair go”.
    • the process and procedures of Negotiation must be understood and agreed to.

Why You Should Use Negotiation Tactics

People often become overly-focused on what they are trying to negotiate, and forget they need to consider how negotiations are conducted.

  • When we are trying to negotiate or mediate some kind of disagreement we are very often just focused on the solution … negotiating some kind of agreement.
  • Yet if the party’s emotional and procedural needs aren’t dealt with, agreements will break down, or in many instances won’t be achieved.
  • As the boss making a decision is relatively easy – getting decisions to last and work hinges on addressing all needs.  Hence Negotiation Tactics are required.

Negotiation Tactics

How You Should Use Negotiation Tactics

Whether in structured negotiations, or just trying to impact some behavior change, managers need to look at all three aspects of Negotiation Tactics.

Start by asking the following questions:

  • What are the procedural needs?
  •  What are the emotional needs?
  • How are these needs impacting the substantive discussions?
  • How can these needs best be addressed?
  • How well are the ways in which these needs are being addressed, meeting the needs of the people involved?
  • What more would be helpful?

Three Things to Remember about Negotiation Tactics:

  1. How people perceive things to be, is often more important, than how things actually are.
  2. Use all three perspectives of the Negotiation Tactics to diagnose and work through negotiations of any sort.
  3. Often you don’t solve a problem once and for all.  Managers need to continually review and reflect upon the procedural and emotional needs that are raised.

Watch the ‘3-Minute Crash Course’ about Negotiation Tactics (CLICK THE ARROW TO START THE VIDEO):

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The Scarecrow and Labor Negotiations

The Rolling Stones were right – You Can’t Always Get What You Want.  But that doesn’t stop many people from trying.

I’ve been watching media reports lately of some Labor-Management issues for the same reason you might slow down to get a quick glimpse of a horrible traffic accident – to witness destruction, pain, and suffering from the air-conditioned comfort of your own space.

People tend to entrench themselves along ideological lines very quickly in labour-management disputes.  Without knowing any of the details, or even any of the issues, people somehow feel they are entitled to an opinion.  This works well for the people whose views of the world are shaped by their favorite TV show, and who name their children after movie stars.  However, people with a brain (with apologies to the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz) need to dig a bit deeper before jumping on any particular bandwagon.

It is very rarely that a labor-management dispute has much to do at all with the substantive issues that each side articulates.  More often the disputes are perpetuated by politics, emotional considerations, and issues of procedure that make the Department of Motor Vehicles look like a positively high performing organization.

Perhaps most unfortunately, such negotiations take place on the premise of dividing up a fixed pie.  If one side gets more, the other gets less.  If both sides could get past the crap, they might figure out a way to bake a bigger pie.  But that would require trust, innovation, and initiative — elements in critically short supply in organized labour, and in almost all large corporations.

Living in the Post-Politically Correct Era

Recently, I was meeting an old friend for lunch.  When I got to the restaurant, I wasn’t sure if he was already there, or if I had arrived first, so I asked the hostess if there was anyone waiting.  “There’s a woman waiting on a party of four”, she explained, “and another man wearing a grey suit.”

I had absolutely no idea what my friend was wearing, so I said, “The man I’m looking for is a tall, bald, black man.”  The reply I got was quite telling.  The hostess looked quite uncomfortable, and replied, “I didn’t know I could identify him as ‘black’”.

“It’s OK”, I said, “he knows he’s black.”

I’m happy we’ve moved beyond Amos and Andy jokes, but the story above illustrates a hyper-sensitivity to cultural diversity that does no one any good

For this reason, I am self-proclaiming myself to be living in the post-politically correct era.  This means the cultural differences between people have such little consequence for me, that it is entirely appropriate for me to comment on such differences.

Just the other day, I was saying to my Irish friend, Alexis Theodropoulos, that this politically correct garbage has gotten way out of hand.  It seems that every Tom, Dick and Xianlong in town feels comfortable critiquing your tolerance simply because you mention in passing that you don’t like curried food.

I live in a city where the WASP population is significantly less than half the population.  I live in a country where there are no majorities – not white males, not English speakers, and not people of Protestant faith.  It’s a community of communities (with proper credit to Joe Clark).

These diverse groups do not integrate, but they do coexist, and do so nicely.  So next time you see an Italian on the street – ask him the best place to eat schnitzel.  You just might be surprised at the response.

 

 

Cross Cultural Differences (Where You Wouldn’t Expect Them): Doing Business in the US, the UK, Canada, and Australia/NZ

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People have increasingly raised their awareness of Cross-Cultural Differences in the past couple of decades – particularly where those Cross-Cultural Differences are obvious and well defined.  But what about Cross-Cultural Differences that are more difficult to spot?  Below we discuss Cross-Cultural Differences that may occur between the seemingly similar nations of:

  • The United States
  • The United Kingdom
  • Canada
  • Australia
  • New Zealand

Specifically, we talk about:

  • Why you should care about Cross-Cultural Differences between these countries.
  • Comparison of Cross-Cultural Differences of these countries on 5 different dimensions.

Why Care About Cross-Cultural Differences?

On the surface, many people may be hard-pressed to identify any significant differences between these countries.  However, people that have worked in more than one of these places will testify as to the multitude of Cross-Cultural Differences.  Further, the Wily Manager website and podcast audiences come overwhelmingly from these five countries.  Even if your organization does not do business internationally, you may have people you work with that come from one of these other countries.

When managing Cross-Cultural Differences, it is often easier when the other culture is substantially different so the potential points of conflict or difference can be identified and mitigated.  In many cases, it is much more difficult when the Cross-Cultural Differences you are trying to bridge originate from an American working in Canada, for example.

Caveats to this Discussion of Cross-Cultural Differences:

  • We make many generalizations about these countries, and the people that come from them.  Inevitably these generalizations will not apply to every person in every situation.
  • The content below are merely observations, not evaluations.
  • If you are from one of these countries, you will almost certainly be offended by at least one of our assessments below.
  • NOTE:  The Wily Manager guys have worked in all of these countries except New Zealand — an oversight we’d like to correct!  For now, we’ll take comfort in our numerous visits to NZ.

Cross-Cultural Differences in Managing Conflict

  • Canada & NZ: Both these nations produce chronic avoiders of conflict.  Their history is littered with examples of keeping the peace at any cost.  In many cases, this has served them both well.  In the context of business, avoiding conflict is an unhealthy response to a situation.
  • United States:  Americans are much more prone to surfacing disagreement, and dealing with it.  While others may find this approach confrontational, conflict is often resolved more quickly, and more permanently.
  • UK & Australia: These two countries most often find themselves between the two extremes noted above.

International Awareness

An individual’s awareness of the rest of the world will influence how she conducts herself at work.  Specifically, it can make dealing with Cross-Cultural Differences easier or more difficult.

  • The US and Canada
    • Most North Americans are typically unaware of what happens outside of North America.
    • Many Americans and most Canadians will disagree with this assessment, which can be quickly be proven by asking them to name the Prime Minister of Australia or New Zealand.  Further, until recently less than 10% of Americans, and less than 25% of Canadians held a passport.
    • The majority of North Americans have never left the continent.
  • The United Kingdom
    • The British are (sometimes reluctantly) connected to Europe, as well as to the Commonwealth and the United States.  As such, they have a broader sense of the world.
  • Australia and New Zealand
    • The remoteness of these two nations creates a greater need to look outwards.  Many (if not most) Aussies and Kiwis (those from New Zealand) spend months or years abroad

Water Cooler Chat

Those topics that are considered appropriate or inappropriate in a professional setting can be some of the best examples of dealing with Cross-Cultural Differences.  Below is an assessment of how likely people are to talk about religion and/or politics in a work setting:

  • Canada & New Zealand – Discouraged in business settings.  Such conversation would normally be avoided or minimized in work settings.
  • Australia & UK – The Aussies and the British are only slightly more likely to talk about such things in business settings.
  • United States – In many American workplaces, it would not be unusual or inappropriate to be asked what church you attend, or who you might be most likely to vote for.

Tolerance for Authority and Government

How people view authority and government is a key factor in managing Cross-Cultural Differences:

  • The United States – Americans are more focused on the individual and individual freedoms than any of the other countries compared here.  The fact that this nation was born out of rejection of authority and government is still obvious in how business is conducted today.
  • Australia – Much like the US, Australia is a product of its history.  The individualism is not as strong as it is for Americans, but Australia has a proud independent streak that is obvious in business settings.
  • United Kingdom – The British have a strong respect for their institutions, although in the past 30 years, there have been significant tests of authority and government by its citizens.
  • Canada & New Zealand – Once again, the Canadians and the Kiwis are grouped together as people that have relative tolerance for authority and government.  This is not to say that people do not disagree, but compared to the other three countries, these two have the most respect for authority and government.

Time off

If you work with people from one of the other profiled countries, you will notice almost immediately their expectations and attitudes about time off.

  • The United States:  Americans get very little time off — in many cases only two to three weeks per year.
  • Canada: Canadians only get marginally more time off than their American neighbors.
  • United Kingdom, New Zealand and Australia: These three countries have much more time off than the North Americans.  Many employees have six to ten weeks of holiday (vacation) time.  There are also many more statutory holidays than are found in the United States.

Three Things to Remember About Managing Cross-Cultural Differences

  1. Just because someone may look and sound like you, they may have a vastly different life experience.
  2. There is nothing wrong with discussing cultural differences, as long as you do it with sensitivity.
  3. You don’t have to travel, or do business internationally to need cross-cultural skills.

Watch the ‘3-Minute Crash Course’ about Cross Cultural Differences (CLICK THE ARROW TO START THE VIDEO):

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Dealing With a Rotten Boss

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There are good bosses, bad bosses, and downright Rotten Bosses.  Below we offer some suggestions as to how to deal with a Rotten Boss.

Ways You Can Deal With a Rotten Boss

  • Throw your Rotten Boss “under the bus”.
  • Hug it out with your Rotten Boss
  • Give your Rotten Boss  the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech.
  • Leave your Rotten Boss behind.

Throw Your Rotten Boss “Under the Bus”.

You have to think very carefully before you attempt to take down your Rotten Boss.  There are some significant risks:

  • Be prepared for nothing to change.  You expose yourself to some professional risk, and nothing may change.  Unless you boss has done something illegal or against policy, there may be little the organization can do.
  • Be prepared for it to get worse.  If you undermine your boss, it is very possible s/he will discover from whom the complaint originated, in which case, it may be even less comfortable for you.

If you have considered the risk, and still want to complain about your boss, you can do some things to increase your chances of success:

  • Strength in numbers:  If you can find a number of others to come forward, you avoid the “he said, she said” situation, and the organization may have to act.
  • Documentation.  Much like a problem employee, you should begin a paper trail.  Write down incidents and occurrences with you boss including who was involved, as well as the date and time.

Hug it Out With Your Rotten Boss

A less risky strategy is for you to attempt to resolve your situation with your boss without involving the larger organization:

  • Sit down with your boss and discuss exactly how you are feeling.  It is possible your boss does not understand how you feel.  It is also possible you have misunderstood or misinterpreted some events.  Leave your mind open to this possibility.
  • You may also want to invite your boss to share his or her work preferences with you.  By better defining expectations about what work s/he wants done, and how it should be conducted, you may be able to resolve your Rotten Boss issues.

Give Your Rotten Boss the “It’s not you, it’s me” Speech.

If you take on more than your fair share of the “blame” for a dysfunctional relationship, it could be viewed as a display of humility that may begin to heal the situation:

  • Ask yourself honestly how you are contributing to the relationship with your boss.  You could very well be doing things that contribute to the dysfunction.
  • Remember that you only control you own behavior, so once you begin to act differently, your Rotten Boss may respond differently.
  • Learn what your boss wants and doesn’t want, likes and doesn’t like, and how to do the kind of job your boss is looking for.

Leave Your Rotten Boss Behind

In some cases, all your efforts to repair your relationship with your boss will fail.  If this is the case, you cannot count on your boss leaving anytime soon, so you should make the decision to look for alternatives:

  • Look for an internal transfer
  • Ask for a lateral move
  • Leave the organization.

Only in the Movies

Many victims of a Rotten Boss may fantasize about completely inappropriate things they might do to solve the problem.  The list below is purely for entertainment value, and should not be attempted:

  • Take him out for a drink after work, then call the cops and report a drunk driver when he leaves.
  • When he leaves his desk, send offensive emails from his computer in his name.  Suggestions include pornographic pictures and videos, sexual and racist jokes, and complaints about senior management.
  • Log on to his computer and visit numerous sites of illegal activity, then tip off IT.
  • Write anonymous letters to your local paper, your CEO, websites, and anyone else you can think of, outlining all of the offenses committed by your Rotten Boss.

Three Things to Remember About Dealing With a Rotten Boss:

  1. Proceed with caution.  Don’t underestimate the risk to your career.
  2. Once you start, be prepared to leave.  If the organization doesn’t do away with your boss, they may choose to do away with you.
  3. Make sure your own backyard is squeaky clean.  If you make accusations, you should ensure that you cannot be targeted for any inappropriate behavior.

Watch the ‘3-Minute Crash Course’ about Dealing With a Rotten Boss (CLICK THE ARROW TO START THE VIDEO):

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At Which End Should You Crack Your Egg?

As someone who travels a lot for work, I end up eating in restaurants a fair bit, and I sometimes end up having difficulty deciding between the chicken stir-fry, and the boiled fish.  Yep, that’s right, I have eating habits typical of an obese rabbit.  But I digress.

You can imagine the confusion I would cause if I simply didn’t decide on a meal.  For some indefinite period of time, I would become more and more famished, while the waiter, kitchen and support staff would wait (at first patiently), and then eventually boot me out for being such a twit.

Interestingly, this is exactly what happens to managers who fail to make decisions.  People will wait patiently for some period of time, perhaps make a recommendation or two, but eventually they’ll get angry and boot you out.

There are a variety of reasons that managers fail to make decisions, but there are two essential things for indecisive managers to remember:

1)   First, the decision you are about to (not) make, is really not all that important.  It’s about as consequential as my choice between chicken and fish.  Unless you are reading this as the head of some nation-state headed for armed conflict (in which case, I’d love your comments below, Mr. Netanyahu), then don’t flatter yourself by thinking that decision you’re delaying has any serious consequence.

2)   The wrong decision today, is better than the correct decision a month from now.  At least if you make the wrong decision now, it will become clear quickly, and you can change course.  Just ask the guys who came up with the genius idea of “New Coke” a few years back.  The old Coke was only off the shelf for a matter of seconds before they realized they’d made a huge mistake.  It took a few more seconds to correct course, and get back to the business of pedaling sugar-water to the entire world, and kicking Pepsi’s ass.

So it’s time to quit agonizing and make a decision.  When in doubt, flip a coin – the worst you’ll do is relive the New Coke fiasco.  Start tomorrow morning by making the important decision of which side of your egg you should crack (with due credit to Jonathan Swift – look it up).

 

 

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