I know it may be hard to believe (because I seem so delightful in these pages), but I can sometimes be difficult to get along with.  I get particularly cranky when I’m working with a group that loves to have meetings.  They have no idea why they have meetings, there are no outcomes, and no decisions are made, so it must be that there is some addictive quality in the coffee served at meetings.

Humourist Dave Barry once said that organizations have meetings because they are unable to masterbate.  I prefer to look at it this way: there is an inverse correlation between the number and quality of meetings in an organization, and their overall success.  In other words, I am suggesting that the fewer meetings that occur, the more successful the organization will be.

I know this is an argument I will lose in most companies, so as a service to Wily Manager readers, I’ll suggest ways to pass the time in one of your infinite number of meetings:

• Buzzword Bingo – this is where you try to stay awake by identifying business catch phrases.  You need to be discrete, though.  You don’t want to carry in a BINGO marker, or jump out of your chair, screaming “BINGO” when the Director of IT utters the words “low-hanging fruit”.  Download the Wily Manager Buzzword Bingo card here.
• Meeting value calculator – it’s kind of like a telethon, where you keep adding up the total amount of shareholder value that is being sucked away.  You can run the calculations privately, or put up a display board with changeable numbers that can be updated as the meeting goes on.  It’s a bit like the national debt clock in Times Square.
• Count the Meetings. Often you may be in a room and witnessing 12 individual meetings happening in rapid succession, as each person updates the boss with information that is completely irrelevant to everyone else in the room.
• Count the Meetings (variation). In particularly undisciplined organizations, meetings will degenerate into multiple and simultaneous conversations.  In this case there can be several separate meetings occurring at once, but they are much harder to count that the first variation of this game.
• Spot the Participant Type: In this game, you tag each participant with the label most appropriate to them.  Here are some thought starters:
  • The Jeopardy game show contestant:  this is a person constantly asking rhetorical questions, and communicates through Socratic code:  “Do I like the idea of being in this meeting room for 8 hours?  No, I don’t”
  • Caffeine-Deprived: Spot the people in the room struggling just to maintain a minimum level of consciousness, so as not to appear asleep.  Often identified by periodic head-bobbing, however the really good ones have perfected sleeping with the eyes open, while nodding every few moments to give the illusion of awareness
  • The Rambler – A solution to this problem is like Book III of Gulliver’s Travels where an empty sheep’s bladder tied to stick is used to gently hit the Rambler in the head to keep him on track.
  • The Evangelist – everything is a matter of life or death.  If the colour of the toilet-paper is changed, it will negatively impact our very way of life.
  • The thinker – they doodle, don’t look they’re paying attention, and then once per meeting the amaze everyone with their ability to put the entire issue into context.  Be nice to them, they could be your next boss.

Finally, it seems that meetings and death are closely related.  Even before Patrick Lencioni wrote Death By Meeting, I had a dream that I had died, and arrived in purgatory, and it was a meeting that never ended.  I was desperate that someone would pray for my soul, until I realized all of them were too busy in meetings as well.  I woke up realizing a violent death wasn’t as bad as it sounded – at least after a grizzly death, someone would pray for me.